Trying a new approach.

It's impossible to get anyone to notice crap anymore.

http://wickedpenguin.proboards92.com/index.cgi

Check it out.

woo... hoo?

Well, there it is. The proof I needed that my not-so-useful other half is a total idiot. I told him noooooooooo, this is a bad time, but would he listen?? Of course not! His testosterone filled ego couldn't take another turn down. And on the best of weeks.. I find out his super sperm have struck again. This will be the THIRD time that his Hitler found my Poland.

I'm excited, I really am.. but the timing for all of this is HORRIBLE! I am trying to keep it all together, and be the rock that I have always been in this family, because I am nothing if not sane, and a peacekeeper, and the level headed one.. you may even call me the damper. But sometimes I think that if I wasn't, Brad would float off like a balloon.

So, how do you deal with this kind of shock? A total disruption of the carefully laid plans you have made? You don't. So far, I have misrepesented the truth to all of my family about this because I am fairly certain I know how they'll take it. Not well. At this point, I'm still expecting something to go wrong anyway, I keep getting cramps when I sneeze (and when I don't sneeze) so there could always be nothing to tell them anyway. Besides, I have my girls, and they always understand, and listen, and sympathize when I need them to. My world would be empty without them.

Here's a cheer to Mary.. I think we'll be getting closer in the months to come. Thanks for sharing this ride with me!

Next issue: Sisters and the relationship you have....

One year

It's almost been one whole year since she was born. It feels like yesterday, and it feels like 2 years. Most days I'm glad to have her, some days I wish she'd go. When I'm out, I wish there was nothing to come to. That I just stay out and see and talk to whomever I like to. But invariably I would miss her. And how can you just come back after a week and explain why you've been gone? I could never do that to her.... but the consequences I am wreaking on myself have yet to be seen.

Now the happy girl wants to play. I'll be back...

Attachment.

I love my daughter. Deeply truly ferociously love her. So why is it i just want to walk away from her when she's being so clingy and awful?? I c
an't

5
25
52

52

52


6
+6552
25+052
05121
0005
06+
052
145

5
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.3
26

692++6+
589+8

(that was her playing with the number pad)

+6659+
58*
+85966+

I am not allowed to pee. I can't make myself anything to eat. Even when I manage to make food, she insists on eating it, or grabbing at my hands until i spill it. Her father is home now, and we got a box in the mail from his mom, so she's over there all interested in that right now. But that unfailing, patient love mom's are supposed to feel is failing me. Maybe its the lack of help that I have during the day, I have a household to clean and run, and the only thing i get to run is my daughter around the floor. I love being home with her, and knowing that she's getting all the love and attention i have to give her, but the few hours a week that I get to myself are just not enough. I'm afraid that I may be too selfish to live up to this amazing job.

Come visit me

here.

I'm in a creative mood. Hope you like it.

she's screaming again....

it's 10:17 at night... she's been asleep since the car ride home at 8. what in the world has her up now??

What has my world orbited into???

Man I'm a slacker!!!

SO anyway... here I am, in the house i was fantasizing about. it has red walls now. eeww. i will be painting them!!!

My thoughts are a jumble. There is just so much to think about!! I have a job now, and once again feel like I'm working for someone inferior to me. I will never really get a job that is worth my potential just because i don't' have 'experience' that I can write down. Given the chance, i could do amazing things in my line of work, but getting someone to believe that is such a hurdle! Things could be worse. I could have no job at all, and that wouldn't be helpful. Being grateful for the opportunities i have is probably something i should focus on more.

It's late, and I will come back to this again. I hate knowing that i let this go. but, life gets in the way. or you get yourself in the way of your life.......

On to today

Somehow, today just feels better. Nothing has changed, but maybe it was just knowing that I would only be alone for 5 hours today. He's home!! Laundry is in the dryer (which is almost impossible to do without him) and while I know it's going to come back, my house feels bigger with all of that out of the way.

I keep fantasizing about where I'm going to put the furniture in our new house, and I just hope I'm not setting myself up for a huge disappointment again. We should hear back from Glenn about the house in Spring Grove by Friday... Every day that goes by is like another big tick on the clock. It almost feels like I'm carrying around a huge grandfather clock on my back with all the weight bearing down on me. It will feel good to have a fresh start... and be able to get back to work again. Every obstacle that keeps me from that goal is looming... and I don't really know how to stop staring at them.

Every thought that I get out of my head here gets me one thought closer to clearing it all up. It's like Professor Dumbledore's pensieve. (gee, who saw THAT coming) The more you get out, the easier it is to look at. Maybe tomorrow I can focus on another one of the problems that is plaguing my so-called happy life.

Here goes nothin...

So the new year hasn't started off so well for me yet. Depression seems to be setting in, and I'm trying my damndest to stave it off. Staring at these awful walls day after day is just wearing me down. I can't stand this house anymore!! I can't keep it clean, or organized... and I'm the only one who seems to feel any sense of urgency. My baby is crawling!! How do I keep her out of everything, when I can't even keep track of anything?? It's cold and drafty... I just can't handle letting her live here anymore. I feel like I'm living my life in a temporary emergency shelter. Its almost as if my real life was victim to some disaster, and I'm just waiting for it to recover so I can get back to it. If this house is Spring Grove falls through AGAIN... I don't know what I'll do. We don't have the money to keep going on like this. I have to get back to work... and there's no way for me to do that while we're still living here.

I'm exhausted all the time. I just want a day off! I feel like a horrible mother... that's nurturing spirit just isn't in me. She wants me all the time, and I just don't know what to do with her! How do I help her grow? I wish it didn't have to feel so futile, but there really isn't much I can actually teach her now. And now she refuses to eat, and everything dangerous is interesting. I'm just so scared I'm going to fail her somehow.

Maybe I'll try this again tomorrow. I don't know what else to do to get rid of this dark cloud hovering over me.