Here goes nothin...

So the new year hasn't started off so well for me yet. Depression seems to be setting in, and I'm trying my damndest to stave it off. Staring at these awful walls day after day is just wearing me down. I can't stand this house anymore!! I can't keep it clean, or organized... and I'm the only one who seems to feel any sense of urgency. My baby is crawling!! How do I keep her out of everything, when I can't even keep track of anything?? It's cold and drafty... I just can't handle letting her live here anymore. I feel like I'm living my life in a temporary emergency shelter. Its almost as if my real life was victim to some disaster, and I'm just waiting for it to recover so I can get back to it. If this house is Spring Grove falls through AGAIN... I don't know what I'll do. We don't have the money to keep going on like this. I have to get back to work... and there's no way for me to do that while we're still living here.

I'm exhausted all the time. I just want a day off! I feel like a horrible mother... that's nurturing spirit just isn't in me. She wants me all the time, and I just don't know what to do with her! How do I help her grow? I wish it didn't have to feel so futile, but there really isn't much I can actually teach her now. And now she refuses to eat, and everything dangerous is interesting. I'm just so scared I'm going to fail her somehow.

Maybe I'll try this again tomorrow. I don't know what else to do to get rid of this dark cloud hovering over me.