On to today

Somehow, today just feels better. Nothing has changed, but maybe it was just knowing that I would only be alone for 5 hours today. He's home!! Laundry is in the dryer (which is almost impossible to do without him) and while I know it's going to come back, my house feels bigger with all of that out of the way.

I keep fantasizing about where I'm going to put the furniture in our new house, and I just hope I'm not setting myself up for a huge disappointment again. We should hear back from Glenn about the house in Spring Grove by Friday... Every day that goes by is like another big tick on the clock. It almost feels like I'm carrying around a huge grandfather clock on my back with all the weight bearing down on me. It will feel good to have a fresh start... and be able to get back to work again. Every obstacle that keeps me from that goal is looming... and I don't really know how to stop staring at them.

Every thought that I get out of my head here gets me one thought closer to clearing it all up. It's like Professor Dumbledore's pensieve. (gee, who saw THAT coming) The more you get out, the easier it is to look at. Maybe tomorrow I can focus on another one of the problems that is plaguing my so-called happy life.

Here goes nothin...

So the new year hasn't started off so well for me yet. Depression seems to be setting in, and I'm trying my damndest to stave it off. Staring at these awful walls day after day is just wearing me down. I can't stand this house anymore!! I can't keep it clean, or organized... and I'm the only one who seems to feel any sense of urgency. My baby is crawling!! How do I keep her out of everything, when I can't even keep track of anything?? It's cold and drafty... I just can't handle letting her live here anymore. I feel like I'm living my life in a temporary emergency shelter. Its almost as if my real life was victim to some disaster, and I'm just waiting for it to recover so I can get back to it. If this house is Spring Grove falls through AGAIN... I don't know what I'll do. We don't have the money to keep going on like this. I have to get back to work... and there's no way for me to do that while we're still living here.

I'm exhausted all the time. I just want a day off! I feel like a horrible mother... that's nurturing spirit just isn't in me. She wants me all the time, and I just don't know what to do with her! How do I help her grow? I wish it didn't have to feel so futile, but there really isn't much I can actually teach her now. And now she refuses to eat, and everything dangerous is interesting. I'm just so scared I'm going to fail her somehow.

Maybe I'll try this again tomorrow. I don't know what else to do to get rid of this dark cloud hovering over me.